It’s been one week since my husband was laid off from his job of 8 years.

One week of living in a haze of disbelief all the while scaling a mountain of stress with no respite in sight. A week of what next. A week of how do we survive. A week of oh my god we are going to lose everything. We have lost everything. How do we go on.

We haven’t been good with money.

I hate to admit it here, out in the open, but our financial situation is a dire one. This previously consumer debt free family has racked up over 50 thousand dollars of it in 18 months. We bought a new vehicle, we lost thousands in my not working, my husband’s hours were cut, we spent way too much just driving back and forth to Winnipeg for doctor’s appointments and sick babies and all the while didn’t ever stop spending like we had done before we started with all this. Now here we are drowning and I’m terrified to come up for air. If I stop moving I will collapse. If I don’t breathe I will suffocate. There’s no victory in this situation, only dignified defeat.

And defeated we are.

 

As I write this I reply to messages on Facebook, slowly selling everything we can find of value. I pretend nothing is wrong to the children even though they know what our plans are. I don’t tell them I’m not sure what we’re going to do for food. I act strong for my husband. I keep secret how afraid I am all the time. I don’t have words for the shame, the guilt, the sadness I feel for our loss. He blames himself. I blame myself. We are unable to function properly right now. We are scared. We have a plan but it’s still hard.

Today is selling stuff, clearing out clutter, fixing up the house, finishing the basement we’ve been building for the past year for us to enjoy – all to give away the house we’ve worked so hard for.

 

Tomorrow brings selling our home and living homeless while we put all of our energy into building a house half the size of what we’re in now.

Somewhere in the middle we have to try our best to grow our business. Work our hardest to make ends meet. Find some way, some how, to survive today, tomorrow, and the next. We already have the plans drawn out. We have a lot. We have enough equity to build something with the profits. We have a place to stay. Still, these will be dark days. They will test our resolve and our abilities. They will break our backs and bend our spirits. Still, my hope – my wish – my dream – is at the end of it all… We will be better than OK.

If our plan works out, and I don’t know what we will do if it doesn’t, we will have traded our home and stuff for something far more precious – life. A life where we are unburdened by debt, one where we only have to work to pay for the things we need and a few that we want. A life where we can run our business and pursue our passions. The life of our dreams.

I keep telling myself that this is a blessing. Finally, the kick in the pants to force us into wiser choices. Time to prove myself right.