Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. I’m sure that if you aren’t a dad already, you got the one in your life a nice gift. Hopefully something better than a tie or handmade ash tray, too. If not, you still have time to plan for these ideas.

  1. Not to wipe anyone else’s butt. You’d think when they’re out of diapers this wouldn’t be a thing anymore but no, bigger kids still find a billion reasons to need their ass wiped by someone else. Not dad. Not today.
  2. To get to pick the movie. Tonight, we’re watching the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – none of this Tim Burton remake garbage. Time for you children to get some culture for a change. No, no complaining.
  3. Enough meat. This one may cost a bit, but it would be nice once and awhile for dad to finally get enough meat at dinner. Not giving up the last chicken leg to little timmy who never eats anything and oh my god he’s eating his dinner. No. All for dad.
  4. Time to himself that isn’t in the bathroom. We all know the bathroom is dad’s office, but can’t he just once and awhile play an uninterrupted game of Hearthstone or watch a YouTube video without having to pretend to poop? Let dad ignore his family on the couch for a change. Just for a few minutes, anyway.
  5. Space in the bed. Dad is extra snuggly warm, the best to snuggle with. Too. Damn. Hot. Let dad wake up just once without a foot in his face or laying in a puddle of someone else’s urine. It may seem like he slept peacefully but his sore back says otherwise.

If you really haven’t had the chance to get dad anything for Father’s Day, don’t fret. Time with his family and hearing how much you appreciate him will do just fine. Money can’t compete with family anyway.