Welcome to Small Town Nerds – a website originally started to share cute parenting anecdotes and talk about my money saving adventures that accidentally turned into a transgender parent activism site. You’ll still find the remnants of the old ideas here and there, DIY stuff, money saving, navigating being an unemployed freelancer with 5 kids and not starving, all that good stuff – but I am also featuring my journey from mom to dad.
To make things easier, I’ve created this page to help you understand what this blog is about and who I am.
So I was born in April of 1990 – 26 years ago at the time of writing this. It was a different name then, but don’t ask me what because I’m not going to tell you.
Bouncing baby… Girl.
I’m sure my mother, who had a lot of dreams for a little girl, was completely thrilled. Ever since I can remember, I have not been thrilled.
I first figured out I was trans when I was 12. Sort of. I didn’t know the word, or tell anyone except for my best friend.
I just really knew that I wanted to be a boy. I started dressing like one. The friend almost exclusively called me by a boy’s name. It was the only time I ever felt right with myself.
I stopped doing it by the time I entered high school. Although at this point I had discovered I was bisexual, I realized that I had the type of body that could get attention from boys. I took advantage of that.
At 14, I met my now husband online. With him being 5 years older (19! An adult!) I was desperate to please him. I grew my hair out. I dressed like a girl. I wore dresses. All because he said he liked it. I liked him liking me.
I lost myself.
We were only dating 2 years when I got pregnant at 16. Having a baby at 17 really messes you up when it comes to self discovery, and I dove into motherhood full tilt. I felt like, as a teenager, I had something extra to prove – that I could be a good mother.
I never got the chance to discover who I was before I was enveloped in a world of Pinterest and trying to hard to do it all right.
When my 3rd child approached her first birthday, I really started to feel like something was wrong with my life. I was miserable. I hated my husband. I hated my life. I hated myself.
Over the years I had tossed around the idea of pretending to be male online with my husband, only to be shot down, and this time I tried it was no different. I got angry. I was offended. I wanted it so bad, the “game” I used to play before we met. The “game” where I was myself for a short while.
After some reading I finally had the “aha” moment that should have come to me over a decade prior – I was transgender. Suddenly all the problems made sense and all the pieces fell into place.
My husband was supportive but leery, as would be expected. Our marriage was already full of so many problems that this addition was likely to crumble it but instead it made it stronger.
Initially, I chose not to transition. The plan was to address the problems, but up until then I had been mostly comfortable (or so I convinced myself) and didn’t need to put my family through that. It was OK for us to know, and online to know, but no one else.
After discovering myself my life started to drift farther and farther away from what it was. My long hair became impossible to deal with and I chopped it off (not too short though). I tried out more masculine clothing. I tried binding. I loved it all. I even starting going by a different name.
My husband was initially not OK with the idea of hormone therapy. I played it off like I didn’t want it either, but really I did. Badly. That too became too much of a need for me and I decided to move forward with, or without, his support. Thankfully I had it.
We also decided to go ahead and have one more baby before that happened but… You know how life is. Oops. We had twins.
I was OK for awhile after they were born, still trying to hide it, still dressing girly to go out to nice places and with my mom, still not me. I broke down when they were 6 months old badly.
That is when I made the call to start hormones. That is when I came out to my family. That is when I decided it was time to give up on the lie that I could ever live life as a woman, even some of the time.
Now I’ve been on hormones for 3 months, present as male completely online, am out to friends and family offline, and am on the waiting list for top surgery. I couldn’t be happier.